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Colleen Hoover’s bestselling book turned film, It Ends with Us, is controversial, to say the least. Many who watched the film or read the book feel it romanticizes abuse and may send the wrong message to young audiences. In discussing the film with younger women, I’ve found they are concerned about “missing the subtle signs” of abuse.
My hope is that after reading this blog, you’ll understand that the subtle signs of abuse are often hard to detect, and the movie is not a handbook for how to deal with domestic violence. Greater awareness is needed that abuse can happen even in loving, happy relationships, which makes this type of abuse even more confusing.
Subtle Signs of Emotional and Physical Abuse That Often Go Unnoticed
The movie does a good job of portraying abuse. Rarely is it a sociopath hunting someone without remorse; more often, abuse occurs in a relationship that has loving, peaceful moments.
How can a partner be considered abusive when they are loving, considerate, and even silly most of the time? These abusive incidents, no matter how extreme, can be easily explained away as mistakes—easily forgivable or something the abuser feels shame about, and therefore forgivable.
This is evident in the film. Ryle is not abusive 100% of the time. He’s fun, sings karaoke, cooks, and even proposes in a romantic way. But then there’s that small percentage where he’s controlling, jealous, and violent. No amount of fun can make up for feeling unsafe during those times.
How to Identify These Subtle Red Flags Early in a Relationship
- My partner wouldn’t take no for an answer.
- My partner showers me with compliments (aka love bombing).
- My partner acts differently around me than everyone else.
- My partner is jealous of other people I spend time with.
- We NEVER disagree on anything.
- We committed very quickly.
- My partner needs me to move away to be with them.
Importance of Trusting Your Instincts and Seeking Help if Needed
As mentioned, It Ends with Us is not a handbook for how to deal with domestic violence. Trust your instincts and seek help if needed.
It’s hard to capture the nuances of many abusive situations, especially in relationships that have love and laughter in addition to abusive incidents. Seeing Ryle and Lily’s relationship helps us understand why people stay in something that is clearly so unhealthy.
If you need help, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788.
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About The Author
Dr. Adina Silvestri is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Internal Family Systems Therapist, Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, and Certified Brainspotter in Richmond, Virginia.
She loves using storytelling and metaphor, among other techniques, to help clients become aware that the feelings need to fit the facts and sometimes the facts are just wrong!
And she just plain loves being a Therapist.
