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Welcome to the Atheists in Recovery Podcast, where we talk about finding hope in recovery. And now your host, Dr. Adina Silvestri

Adina Silvestri 0:11
Bonjore Atheists in Recovery. And welcome to Episode 67 of the Atheists in Recovery podcast. And today is a solo episode today we are talking about five ways to create virtual happy hour, sans booze. And now, I feel like this is something that individuals in early recovery really struggle with, but perhaps here and long term recovery and still romanticizing the booze of your earlier happy hour years. And so hopefully this will serve as a reminder in that regard. So social distancing has forced many in person events online, including happy hour invites we receive from work. Friend invites family celebrations, like birthdays, or anniversaries, it just seems like the common theme in all of these events is drinking. And although we may not be physically in the same space, as others who are drinking, we may still feel uncomfortable. If we are in recovery, so the pressures to be on in front of the camera, as well as share with others what you are drinking can be huge. And so I'm hoping that these five ways to create a virtual happy hour, sans booze or without booze will be helpful. Okay, number one, find what made you happy before happy hour. You were happy before you started going to happy hours. As an adult, you know, what did you do before happy hour? This may take a minute to recall. Um, for some of us booze has been in the picture for a long time. So who were you before? You used alcohol to take the edge off? to socialize with friends? To drink in the evenings after work? before you put the kids to bed? What did you do? If you still can't come up with anything, try future telling. You know, who do you want to be in the future? What does your future self look like? How do they act? Let that person's goals become yours right now. What that person's behaviors dictate how you're spent how you spend your time now. Number two, make a list of your "happies" in quotation marks. Now I know that as a society, we love the idea of being happy all day, every day. I mean, just look at our movies. Look at our fairy tales. You know, everything has a happy ending. But it's just not realistic. With this list. However, I want us to make a list of other things that used to bring us joy, satisfaction content. Think back to the first time you started drinking. What did you put down so that that drinking could become a full time job? Was it softball or track? Was it drawing? memorizing poems or monologues? Creating puzzles? We like to dance or DJ What did you stop doing? And why did you stop doing those things that brought you so much joy? Maybe it's time to start now. Growing up, I had a fondness of going to a bookstore with my mother. But let me begin by saying I didn't always have this fondness Actually, we would make this a huge part of our weekend. And at first I hated it. My mother is an avid reader to this day. But back then, you know I I really wanted to do anything but stand in a bookstore until I in search for books until I really discovered reading and where it could take me you know I now I love books. So somewhere along the way that that reading bug bit me and I mean I can devour them now. I mean, I read like I probably read like four to five books at one time. Back then I hated it. And it's funny because as I grew older and moved away, you know, now I find myself in a bookstore, just spending hours of my time searching for that next bus. Friend, whether it's a biography or a memoir, crime series, it doesn't matter. But I loved them and I loved.

I love books, and I love bringing that memory back, you know, like, bring me back to that place of childhood that I actually want to remember, you know, it was a cherished memory, it was a really special time between my mother and I. And so you find your list of happies start writing them for my clients, we call them our dream journal. And each week, they report back to me who you know, and where they are with their dream journal, what they've added to it, what they've accomplished, because in essence, you're creating a new identity. So bright identity. And so sometimes that means that you're single for the first time. Sometimes that means that you are newly divorced. And you have to start learning. What makes you feel good, you know, apart from that other person. What are things that interest you? What are some things that you really enjoy? And so that's why that dream journal, or making a list of your happies would serve well and in that function, okay? Number three, put yourself first, this should not come as a surprise to you that a therapist is telling you to put yourself first. However, I want you to find joy, and you deserve it. And when someone tries to make you feel guilty for not drinking with them, that is a no bueno, that's no good. Don't take the bait. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. And if you have a hard time feeling guilty, I would explore that more I know for a lot of my guys feeling guilty is something that they would avoid, they would rather put themselves in harm's way meaning do something that's not good for them doesn't have to be drinking, but you know, maybe they're exhausted or fatigued, but they still show up for that friend or family member. That's not okay. And so really started to investigate that guilty feeling. Where did you learn that early on? You weren't born feeling guilty. So you learned early on that if you showed an emotion other than happiness, you would be rejected or uncared for or unloved? Where did you learn that? The person who is reluctant to do anything with you except drink is not at the same place that you are now. That person that's nudging you to have another round, or trying to convince you to show up to a place that may be uncomfortable for you trust your gut, that person is not having the same experience that you are now that person is just in a different place. And so maybe they no longer invite you to gatherings or events or ceremonies. That's okay, they're in a different life path with different goals than you have now. But see, you're in search of a new ending, an ending that starts with new behaviors. And these small decisions, these little decisions they add up to be life changes, just like in 12 steps we'll talk about one day at a time, right? I like that part of 12 steps, it's your life. So make sure that it's a good one, you dictate your future self. Okay. Number four, always have an exit plan. That's a confidence booster really, guys, to know that you have an exit plan. When you find yourself in a social gathering, whether online or in person, knowing that you have the rest of the night free to do whatever you want. booze free can be an exciting adventure. Just take out your list of happies which was point number two, take out that list. Pick something from it, choose one or two things. Maybe even then share your new hobby with some of your sober friends. Tell them what you're doing. Or if you decided to go to this event. Ask for a little support, tell them that you're going and then check back in with them after you've attended for a little support and accountability, and you know what your future self will thank you. Number five, set boundaries. Much like number three, putting yourself first point number five. setting boundaries is always a good thing. I can't think of a time when it's not really. But I know that a lot of us struggle with this. Perhaps your boundary setting is in need of a little recalibration. I get that. So let's start with I feel statements. I feel nervous when thinking about going to this event. Write it down.

What am I feeling Right now, what do I need? How am I going to give it to myself? Right? Those three statements down in a journal. Then ask yourself, Is it okay to feel this way? Is it really? Okay? Is it okay that you feel nervous? In going to this event? Is it okay that you feel guilty when telling this person? No, I'm not going to do XY and Z with you. No, I'm not going to help you set up a kicker, whatever the thing is, it's setting boundaries knowing that you come first. If you feel guilty again, that's okay. In fact, if you had to choose between guilt, and having yourself, slip up, and then feel resentment, I would choose guilt. Choose guilt. Always choose guilt, because you're going to end up hating yourself after you slip. And then you probably might even resent the person that got you there. So feel guilty. Maybe even have a guilt party, call your friends tell them hey, I'm throwing a guilt party. Do you want to come by if you felt guilty recently? come on by. I know it sounds strange. But again, it's one step closer to your future you. You may need to say no often as you're setting boundaries and getting used to setting boundaries. And that's, that's fine, you need to recalibrate. You can say no to friends and family members. Sometimes those friends and family members want the old version of us back. And it may seem a little, a little lonely for a short period of time, but it won't last forever. no emotion lasts forever. All emotions have an arc, a beginning, a middle and an end. And so keep that in mind. And the people that love you that want you to succeed, they're always going to be there for you, your recovery groups are always going to be there for you. When you're not so sure that you're on a steady footing. Just Just know that you're not alone. Okay, guys, so those are my five tips to create virtual happy hour sans booze. And you can find this episode and the show notes to this episode so that you can refer to them and also the transcribed Notes for this episode. So that you can even download them at AdinaSilvestri.com forward slash Episode 67. And if you're interested in learning more how to and how to create a future self free of booze, or just a future self that is more content and more confident in life. I provided my therapy to individuals in Virginia and worldwide. And you can find more information about scheduling an appointment with me by going to AdinaSilvestri.com and clicking on any one of the yellow schedule buttons for a free consult. Alright guys, I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Thanks again. Bye.

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